overwhelming, unspeakable.....tears tearing bleeding radiating

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love." - Washington Irving

It would seem at first to be a most undisciplined act, to cry. Anything but, I believe that there it is an conscious reaction and unconscious surrender, together. A visible sign of the practice of letting go. A weight that one holds becomes lighter with the drop of each heavy tear.

The invisible felt experience of the tapas of tears it tears. Tears, quite literally like paper.... it tears and like paper produces cuts that bleed red. The salty taste of tears falling on ones face of water; while inside the heart bleeds a deep crimson and scars.

At the end of this process - the practice of crying- one hopes-
......are thinner walls , a more porous soul able to feel the rays of joy radiating.

Free to change, another quote from Isa

Another quote from my yoga teacher in Mexico, Isa:

"You are always free to change your mind and choose a different future,                                    or a different past"

 My thoughts upon receiving this were to question whether it is possible (to change especially our past). Simultaneously to feel the quote was apt. The juxtaposition of feelings invoked in one of the things I most loved about the quotes she left beside my mat.

Swords, solitude and satya

I did a tarot reading last night with a close friend. I had a very specific question in mind, used a specific deck called the "World Spirit Deck". For my reading I selected 3 cards representing:

1) past- what & how conditions led to the current
2) current- what is manifesting and
3) future/how the situation will unfold

While not typically something shared, given that the question is known only to me and my friend Blake with whom I did the reading, I am revealing the 3 cards chosen. Why? Well, I am new to tarot readings and while not skeptical, am unsure of the various meanings and what I should do with the knowledge gained. I very much believe, however, that they are related to "tapas" or my practice and discipline and discretion in my actions. I welcome feedback from anyone his/her interpretation of the reading.

Card for the Present using the World Spirit Tarot
website for the image, click here 

The three cards I selected were:
- the nine of cups
- the four of swords
- the ace of spades.

The title tells a bit about the direction I'm leaning in terms of translating the powerful message I received and how I will apply it in my life.

Given that it is the summer solstice - it seems time to make a change on a day that marks the season of change. More on that later today. Suffice it to say that I am entering a period of inner reflection through solitude and afterwards a quest for truth will begin.

HAPPY SUMMER SOLSTICE

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How to Practice?.....Yoga mala summer solstice

To answer my own question posed, perhaps one method of practice is completing a yoga mala for the summer solstice.

(Image of the solstice from the blog "Ecotime")

Open Heart Yoga School, the studio I attend is offering  for the second year in a row, the opportunity to complete 108 sun salutations as a group. Yoga malas take place four times a year, each making the change of the seasons, in this case, the summer solstice. 

Last year I completed the entire 108 sun salutations but injured myself. This time, as hard as it is for me to "quit" or leave something half-way through, I decided I would do 54 sun salutes today and 54 tomorrow.

For this spiritual practice has a separate theme for the four rounds of 27 sun salutes. Overall, the practice honors the change of seasons, the heat generated in the practice and inherent in the season of summer. By rounds, the theme of the practice is "love, happiness and understanding": 

• the self
• others - especially teachers, elders, those you love and/or those whose relation you which is particularly challenging
• the world
• the universe

Breaking open what exactly this means to share my practice with anyone reading this and inspire others towards practice that honors the beginning of summer and the heat (and thus, acts as a catalyst for change) that the season brings.  To read more, click on the link below.

How to practice

How does one practice when one finds themselves in a labyrinth. Is the disciplined practice in finding the way out aka, action..... or in finding a stillness.

Should you practice being where you are even if where you are is lost?

I want to continue to practice albeit the enduring challenge or even struggle that yields clarity and flashes of insight as to the "right way".

But, I am not sure how to practice......any feedback?

The ingredients for a dancing star

"You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star" 
                       - Isa, yoga teacher from coastal Oaxaca, Mexico

During our recent trip to the coastal  town of Playa Zipolite in Oaxaca..........

the (mountain) fire and the ros(i)e

I have discovered the joys of gardening. With time on my hands of late and feeling healthy, I've decided it's time to finally plant a flower garden outside of my home. The space around my home happens to be the entrance to the housing cooperative where I live. I've found that with the deer flies out, gardening fulfills yearning to be active during the "gloaming" (sunset) period of the day in a way that does not involve me waving my shirt around my head as I sprint away from a deer fly chasing me and batting at my head. I know many who love gardening and much like pets I have been a late bloomer. But, Shiva's continued presence in my life has brought beginnings and endings in equal number. Within a month or two, I am a proud owner of a cat named Snowflake and have watched the seeds of my efforts in learning about and diving into the practice of gardening take root in my daily life.

It is amazing, life, the way things start and stop and grow and die. All the while, I am just trying to be in the middle of the chaos, holding on tight and letting go with equal effort. ,

Shiva is the Hindu god of creation and destruction. Vishnu, the god of sustaining. My tattoo attests my love of the latter. However, my life the last 5 years (to the day) has been turned upside down. In many ways, tilling the soil, turning the soil or substance of my life over and over, each time the cycle comes full circle I compare and see how much change and growth has occurred. In the case of my illness, an inherently internal process, today I am speaking of the external circumstances and the osmosis effect of a life of coming and going and flowing all the while.

Gardening I have found, like running, yoga and my art collaging, to be one of the few activities in which I drop into a pure state of being present - meditation in motion. During these times, while the world around me is going up in flames, I feel I am at the center of the burning. Anything but morbid, though death is involved, this fire within and around me clears the forest of my thoughts and ruminations so that I can see with a more clear view. It reminds me of reaching the clearing - the tree line- at Linville Gorge and suddenly being able to see what was there but obstructed. To commemorate the mountain, the fire, the harsh burning and the softness of the new green growth nurtured by the sun's rays I purchased two particular plants.

1- A "mountain fire". It is a dark green perennial with progressively red leaves towards the top of the tree. It reminds me of the blaze that catalyzing creation of all things new.

2- A "redbd" named Rosie -  I discovered this tree in Linville Gorge and have wanted to know everything about it since captivated by it's characteristic red heart-shaped leaves two years ago.

The title of this post is a play on words inspired by the last line from my favorite poem, TS Eliot's Four Quartets: "The fire and the rose are one".

The chemistry of candle wax

A candle in a dark room illuminates. The sun rises above the horizon of the ocean and rays of light illuminate the earth. What does it mean to be an illuminating presence? How can we remain a source of light for ourself and others. I have come to see that "Tapas" is related both to light, the by-product of burning and to the practice of burning.

I think of an inner candle burning. How does the candle become and remain lit? What comprises the fuel and what acts as the match or catalyst for living a life full of light? I pose this question because to me, the concept of a burning inner candle is related to living each day fully alive.

I want to be enlivened and from an inner burning candle that adds brightness in my days...so much so that it spills over into a light for others.

But, why does it seem that some days I have more light to give than others? Some days I feel like I am barely exuding light.

• Is this because I am running low on inner wax? 
• Because external circumstances are a filter or cloak over the bright flicker in my soul?
• Is my practice strong enough to endure that which makes me want to do anything other than be openly and fully alive? 

I believe one important part of the meaning of "tapas". To have the discipline to live such that I burn as brightly as I can while not over-drawing or under-drawing. How much do I have to give and what I need to keep in reserve? It is easy to float through the good days ignoring efforts at regenerating the source of my light as well as becoming caught in burning "the candle at both ends" as they say. Then, when times are hard, I find myself with little in reserve, literally consumed by the fire of the joy and sorrow of life.

In the chemistry of the soul, what is the equation for sustainable illumination? How much illumination is within me and what are my sources for "re-fueling"?

The serenity and the courage to break your own heart....

Yesterday, at Weaver St. I look to the magazine rack as I do every time I am in line, to check if the newest issue of my favorite magazine has hit the stands. I bought the June issue of the Sun yesterday without hesitation. Reading it today I am inspired by the parallels between the stories, the recent events of my life, and the words of the quote from which the Sun Magazine's title is based and an Irish prayer that is with me in life's daily struggles as well as paralleling events in my life of late.


The Sun: "What is to be light, must endure burning" - Victor Frankl

Irish Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can and
the wisdom to know the difference.

Sun Magazine, June Issue, Excerpts from an advice column "Dear Sugar", reprinted in the magazine.

Question: "Dear Sugar - my question is short and sweet: What would you tell your twenty-some self if you could talk to her now? Love, Seeking Wisdom"
Answer (selected passages):



SERENITY........" You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love simply because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don't waste your time on anything else."
COURAGE......."be brave enough to break your own heart.... that's all....."
WISDOM......."The useless days will add up to something.....these things are your becoming."
"There are some things you can't understand yet. Your life will be a great a continuously unfolding."


"Most things will be OK eventually, but not everything. Sometimes you'll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you'll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room."