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Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived to surf....now watching from the shore

Once upon a time,
there was a girl who lived to surf. Since birth, the beach has been an magical place. As an infant, her feet first felt the pull of the ocean. As a child, she made sand castles, running back and forth to the land's edge to collect sand and water and  build and imagine against the backdrop of the blue sky, her dreams the passing clouds. As a teenager, she walked and ran along the edge between land and sea again and again- a constant amidst the constant change.

The shifting sand and shifting sense of self,
an emerging identity emerging in relation to the firsts, the memories that define her,
haunt her,
those she longs to recreate and those she longs to forget.

The many people who came and went. The many people and many tales who came (and went) through the beach house her family has had for 40 years.

The experiences that, that leave a taste that lingers ---

the salty ocean water, the joys and the sorrow.

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Surfing is one way of telling the relationship I had with the sea and 

moments of joy and sorrow, of 

loving effort and passionate surrender together 

as well as the 

fear and feelings I ignored. 

Even today I can embody my most epic surf experience: Barra de la Cruz, a right break, discovered by few, on no map, where waves break like those I paddled into and rode down the line. 


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Seeking feedback - poll on attachment & relationships

Poll: How does attachment (or non-attachment) apply to relationships?

Lightness of being

A lighter post than my existential, philosophical writing yesterday (or somewhat at it turned out). Upon re-reading I realized two things: 1) I am not getting any better at representing my thoughts in words and 2) the thoughts that I ruminate on are on a different realm than most (and I don't necessarily mean in a good way).

One additional comment re: threads.... lately, I have been more cognizant.... strike that, have felt more, the weight of the desires & attachments to places, people and objects. I realize that while the interconnected array of my life is a network of support, of love and kindness, of beauty and compassion. However, in seeking to be reciprocal in the degree and nature of the in-flows of the above named positive qualities - I feel the heaviness in trying to meet such requirements.  As well, I feel the weight of others in meeting what I am subtly or explicitly asking.

Thus, the push and pull of these threads reminds me of how I long for a more simple life - the equivalent of traveling around Thailand for months with nothing but my backpack and ultimately, on my own. At times I wished I had "more" with me, but carrying the extra baggage around ultimately was not necessary. As well, I made very strong connections with people. In part I believe because I came there independently, by myself.

I had the freedom that comes from non-attachment to items or persons. I also felt equanimity towards the results of my day to day activities. I had no expectations and thus, nothing to "lose". I went with the flow of the day rather than being guided by my desires and obligations.

Perhaps "real life" is not like this. Perhaps, actually certainly, there are benefits to "carrying" more - dividends that are tangible and felt. But, at what cost? Both my most joyous and most sad moments have been with / involved another person(s). However, does one have to sacrifice the "lightness of being" - tying oneself to object and beings seems antithetical to the attainment of happiness. This is an internal process that manifests outwardly. It is amplified when shared. Yet, sharing that evokes desire, develops threads that tie one to another with the push and pull of thoughts, feelings, expectations of the other.....I am not so sure this is the path I am currently on.

I do question the concept of "attachment" to people, as with to things. How do we interact with others in a supportive and compassionate way while remaining untethered?

In need of massage: knotted threads - samsara struggles - open heart surgery

Threads familiar and new, stretched behind and in front of me. Threads intertwine in tangled knots. The memories continue to live in, tying threads of the past to the present. The many strands of possibilities of the future saturate the now. My yoga guide's teachings have emphasized living in the present and cultivating an awareness of the internal body and breath inhaling external sensations and exhaling the mind's concepts and imaginings which pull us away from being present.

So many people I believe are unaware of their bodies, that live in the mind cut off from the heart and the embodied experiences and generate "samsaras". While I am so grateful to be  on this quest that brings me closer to freeing up myself so that I can show up in the present moment, I recognize the quest is long and arduous.

Today and recent days, I feel like various threads of my being that connect the people and the places of importance are like a muscle overworked or awkwardly used leading to the soreness of a tight and sore muscle. In seeking to be more present, I feel I have derailed the grooves of society's routine and kept the habitual patterns of myself in check. Yet, the way of living that has opened me up is equivalent in many ways to the open heart surgery - a painful process with dividends of giving life.

The journey of a being aware and being equanimous to the active process of interweaving the threads of my life is not the easy path. Cultivating the intersection point of being as accumulation of moments and being-in-the-moment is quite the journey to find and once located, it's own double-edged sword.


Ironically (at least on my journey):
The letting go of the places in us that hold and generate suffering is itself a painful process.

(read on!)

Gratitude (inspired by today's run)

Today, unlike the days of this summer, everything fell into place with no complicating factors coming between me and feeling infinite as I ran. The temperature only 80 degrees and cloudy. I found myself not awkwardly configuring my stride to accommodate my knee but rather finding that place where I can run without effort. And my body did not fight back either. I did not feel tired, I could breath calmly, the endorphins were flowing and I felt stronger and stronger as I ran.... and ran further and further still.

I FELT INFINITE. 

I AM SO THANKFUL.

this is life fully lived. i am feel such gratitude.

(PS - pictures to be added to this post from today's trail run)

Read on for why I have not run (really run) on the trails in several months; why I love running; and more on why tonight's run was magical......

Life, lived through the senses

My favorite part about living in this area is the ability to get the best coffee in the Southeast and food from our local farmer's market as well as see a cow grazing in the fields, both within one or two miles.

For an "N" or intuitive vs. sensing person in the Myer's Briggs typology, I spend a lot of time in the focused inwards and in the imaginative, idealistic world of my mind. I think the reason I love running and biking (and yoga and surfing) so much is that these activities pull me back into my body. My sensing body interacting with the world in the present moment, sending perceptive signals to my mind connecting mind-body-nature.

Riding my bike out in the rural roads of Orange County: 

-seeing the idyllic rolling hills of vegetable fields, barns and animal pastures and the leaves dance in the wind;
-hearing a tractor and chainsaw, the sounds of cows, horses tempered by the hum of the wind in my ear generated from the movement of my body on the bike through space.
- inhaling and whiffing of the scent of blooming flowers and the occasional not pleasant smell of the pastures, mostly astounded by how consuming are the breathes of clean, country air.
- tasting the salt from the sweat dripping down to my lips as I take a sip of water

Above all, feeling the sensation of my body moving through space: my legs pedaling, I feel the tires grip the ground below, feel the wind against my whole being like a soft touch. The flow of prana - or life force - as I inhale all that is this section of the country road and exhaling myself
into my surroundings.... a glorious exchange; a beautiful fabric of each breath weaving together that which appears separate: my body and that which is not my body, becoming one with the bike that propels me forward and with my the engagement of each of my senses with everything around me.

Bike trip across NC

I had a renewed sense of pleasure (pun intended) from my "being-in-the-world" experience.  I felt the duality between mind & body disappear as well as the dichotomy between self and non-self disappear into a oneness with time & place.

Just a 45 minute bike ride. Such a simple activity but with the opportunity for it to be everything. Infinite number of moments and the infinite number of objects of the senses.

I felt it all.

PS- Picture is from biking across my lovely state with my best friend in life. Journal of the week-long trip here: click here or url: http://www.crazyguyonabike.com/doc/Sustain2007