Actions towards self-sustaining- commitment to refueling

Dedicated reciprocity -There is a time for giving and receiving. 

There is time when such exchanges occur between oneself and another and times when the actions involve the self only. The latter seems overlooked in what is reinforced in our society. The sentence barely seems to make sense:
"to give to and to receive the gift of the self by the self." 

Yet, for me, this is a foundation action and focus of my energy. Perhaps it is my introverted nature , perhaps it is:
- my only child upbringing in a divided household
- the learned acceptance of the lack of another to sustain me during times of need in the past several years. Or, perhaps it is
- my innate independence that naturally assumes the role of sustaining myself.

Regardless, I find myself needing time and energy to dedicate to the process of rejuvenation of the self towards the end of the year. Maybe it is not so much this time of year as the by-product of the fall (semester)and what that tends to entail : the over-commitment leading to overwork and sense of being overwhelmed.

When overwhelmed, the practice of "tapas" as directed inwards  towards positive actions towards the self and directed towards non-striving...... goes out with the bathwater, so to speak. The complex system of the self in context with people, places and the practices of everyday life requires a sustainable feedback loop.

 BOTH attention and action when the system tilts the slighted towards schismogenensis require commitment (the beginning of a break in sustainability the process away from an adaptive system). Yet, in the midst of such a schism I dedicate my effort further from my self, focusing on everything but myself in attempt to redirect and fix the consequences of the spiral of too much (insert here) // over-(work / commitment / time / etc.). The symptoms but not the root cause. Much like our current health (or rather ill-health) care system.

At some point, usually not when needed but when able after the pulls on the system abate, I return to my cup and assess just how empty it is.I have learned to run on empty but also learned that this is not what I want my life to be. BUT it takes a concerted effort.

A process of dedication I find much harder; a commitment that requires much more effort. To commit to ensuring my cup is full enough - a process mostly of the self.  The prerequisite for what I seek most-  to continue giving of myself to what I have committed to doing / being.

The oddity thus- the over-commitment to the aspects of life undermines my ability to fully give and to fully receive.  I will take this week to re-center and rejuvenate at the root .... at my center.  

December 2011- Back to blogging: Discrimination within dedication

Mid-December and it has been months since my last post. Why? Because I have not had "time". Which is of course not exactly true, though I say these words often. I have had time, I have just chosen to allocate my time between my different commitments and writing entries here did not make the cut.

I begin again to explore the notion of "tapas*," one of the ten practices included in the Yoga Sutras of Patajali with a question. There are a multiplicity of tasks that require the commitment of my time and energy, so many that some will not be able to be accomplished without sacrificing the quality and full presence.
1- How does one decide how to prioritize between the practices and people which comprise our daily lives?
2- What makes the "cut"- Which people? Which tasks at work and school? Which practices of daily living?
3- Should the level of commitment to that which does make the cut be reduced to increase the quantity of that which I decide to give of myself - my time and effort and energy and passion and love?

For those who know me, know It is hard for me to do things less than 100%. Yet, how many more things could I do if I did not over-commit - not to the number of tasks but to the dedication level I hold myself for a given task. Would this make life more rich for me and those I love or be a water down version of living?

I write this blog about tapas not because of my lack of ability to commit, to dedicate, to work hard but rather my inability not to do so. Obviously, I have chosen not to dedicate myself to this blog in the past months - why?

I believe that there must be a middle ground here and that is what I am seeking to find. I hope that re-initiating my inquiry and sharing it with those I know will help me in seeking answers to these and other questions.

I believe there is a discriminatory factor to the practice of tapas and that I need to figure out how best to give my time, energy, and my live and my self.........

- pkb

[*Tapas is interpreted to mean "dedication", "persevering practice" or "commitment"]

Happy Birthday to me- the gift of freedom & Day 1: Dishes

Happy Birthday to me. I give myself the freedom from the restraints of my habits.

Whether habits, thought-patterns, negative feelings and behaviors.... over the first 29 days of my 29th year I commit to recognizing the patterns that are not serving me and reconfiguring a more positive, productive way of approaching daily life.

Habit #1: Dishes....

Current habit: I have developed a resistance to doing the dishes. I avoid them in the morning by convincing myself I should get a start on my work and do them later. When later comes, something else is higher on the to-do list. While I hate the look and the gross, smell sometimes, of this inaction, I cannot motivate myself to do dishes more than I don't feel like doing them. Hence, not doing the dishes frequently enough......

Result: A pile of dishes growing faster than they are washed.... an almost daily pile of dirty plates and cups. As the pile grows, my motivation to tackle the dishes as the pile grows reinforces the habit decreases. I walk into a house that is less inviting to me because it is not clean and organized. Reduces the likelihood that I will cook even lower.

Starting today (10/11): I will spend 15 minutes per day on dishes and kitchen cleaning. If this daily practice does not yield a dish free sink by the end of the day, once a week, on Sundays, I will do all dishes in the sink to start the new week.

Preview

Day 2: Forgiving myself

Day 3: In bed at 11pm.... (.) = period!

Day 4: Forgiving others

....notice the theme of addressing alternating smaller and larger areas of my life that I'd like to change because I believe that simply having awareness over the habits in my life is a start and that even small changes add up to a more positive, authentic, present-moment, joyous life - for me and in relation to those in my life. 

Quiet retreat

Bringing the yoga retreat to Carrboro while back home for 3 days, then beach bound again. While "away" from the retreat, turning inwards to maintain the feeling of presence and union cultivated.

Who says yoga (class, retreat, studio) "ends". The external circumstances always change - I may get off the mat when class ends or, in this case, need to leave a yoga gathering surrounded by lovely people, days of yoga in a peaceful place. But, there is a space in me where a quiet yoga retreat presides everyday. Easier to find at the yoga beach week but the challenge in holding onto the fusion of outer and inner.

Amidst the many to do's tomorrow and the next (..and the rest of days) maybe if I listen close and surrender, I will learn more about how to live yoga always. Outwards staying present with the hecticness and in the same moment on a quest inwards in search of my peaceful beach.....being

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