A lighter post than my existential, philosophical writing yesterday (or somewhat at it turned out). Upon re-reading I realized two things: 1) I am not getting any better at representing my thoughts in words and 2) the thoughts that I ruminate on are on a different realm than most (and I don't necessarily mean in a good way).
One additional comment re: threads.... lately, I have been more cognizant.... strike that, have felt more, the weight of the desires & attachments to places, people and objects. I realize that while the interconnected array of my life is a network of support, of love and kindness, of beauty and compassion. However, in seeking to be reciprocal in the degree and nature of the in-flows of the above named positive qualities - I feel the heaviness in trying to meet such requirements. As well, I feel the weight of others in meeting what I am subtly or explicitly asking.
Thus, the push and pull of these threads reminds me of how I long for a more simple life - the equivalent of traveling around Thailand for months with nothing but my backpack and ultimately, on my own. At times I wished I had "more" with me, but carrying the extra baggage around ultimately was not necessary. As well, I made very strong connections with people. In part I believe because I came there independently, by myself.
I had the freedom that comes from non-attachment to items or persons. I also felt equanimity towards the results of my day to day activities. I had no expectations and thus, nothing to "lose". I went with the flow of the day rather than being guided by my desires and obligations.
Perhaps "real life" is not like this. Perhaps, actually certainly, there are benefits to "carrying" more - dividends that are tangible and felt. But, at what cost? Both my most joyous and most sad moments have been with / involved another person(s). However, does one have to sacrifice the "lightness of being" - tying oneself to object and beings seems antithetical to the attainment of happiness. This is an internal process that manifests outwardly. It is amplified when shared. Yet, sharing that evokes desire, develops threads that tie one to another with the push and pull of thoughts, feelings, expectations of the other.....I am not so sure this is the path I am currently on.
I do question the concept of "attachment" to people, as with to things. How do we interact with others in a supportive and compassionate way while remaining untethered?
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
24 September 2011
29 July 2011
Showing up w/ Snowflake
I would like to show up more.
Show up more with myself and as a result (I think) those around me. Maybe in showing up more for those around me I'll end up finding that I am there for me more as well. Which order is which?
One new addition to what I find myself consistently committing myself to lately is my cat, Snowflake. We have a routine now but this is a new phenomenon, maybe due to the fact that I am showing up for him and building some kitty trust that I will be there the next day and the next. At first, he did not distinguish me from anyone else at the coop willing to feed him. But, through the dance we all play in coming together into relation with each other, we now reciprocate a "being there"-ness that evokes joy and love I never thought I would understand about pets.
He has two dinner times - one around 5-6 pm and one later... between 9-11pm. Why these times, because that is when I come home usually to eat dinner and exercise (at my house or at yoga, etc) before heading back out for work / study/ who knows what pt. 2 of my work-day at coffee-shops around town. Without fail the past couple weeks he is waiting for me on the steps up to the my unit at the cooperative looking out at the parking lot. When I ride up on my bike he purrs his deaf cat sad/scary sound that I know equals sounds of love & excitement. He prances into my house and eats while I pet him for 15 minutes or so. If I stop petting him while eating he'll stop eating and follow me around the apartment so I go back to petting him because I want my skinny Snowflake to eat a full dinner.
Whereas he used to run out as soon as I'd open the door and let him, now he usually lingers as long as I'm doing something. He plays with his simple, cheap dead mouse toy, the only I've bought that he shows any interest in... and plays with it for hours. I love the playfulness he brings to the house and that he brings out in me. I reminder not to take life so seriously.
But also a reminder of the love that comes after lust. My lust phase passed quickly with Snowflake as early on he bit me a lot, did not use the litter box and would tear my house apart if I'd leave him inside to go out for an errand. I was still enamored but it definitely kept things real. I never planned to have a pet so I guess I don't have the same expectations and sense of the ideal that I do for people and so it's much harder for him to disappointment me. But more than that, I think there is a pleasant contentment factor at work that keeps us both coming back for more than is overlooked today.
Snowflake shows up for me and I show up for him and there is a comfort in that. A contentment, dare I say. It is not complacency as there is too much happiness and love wrapped into our nightly interactions. I wish that more people I knew were interested in the bonds that can form through merely consistently being there. I may not give the highs of lust, romantically or first meetings between friends but it is the subtle positive feeling that lasts and that is there day after day. And there is an excitement as I pull up to my apartment on my bike to see Snowflake waiting for me.
In this one example, I see how much my initial efforts at establishing a connection and instilling a loyalty around that connection have paid off. If I was there intermittently he would not wait for me in the evenings. If I was not there almost every night then I would not experience this shining bright light that illuminates the end of my day long after the sun has gone down. I love my cat and I think he loves me and in showing up for him, it generates the candle wax that allows me to burn and be a light for others more than before I had him.
Maybe there is something to this showing up for others then. Maybe it is not ecstasy but the simple joys that yield the lasting, powerful connections in life.... or life lines, really.
Show up more with myself and as a result (I think) those around me. Maybe in showing up more for those around me I'll end up finding that I am there for me more as well. Which order is which?
 |
| Snowflake's modeling his profile |
He has two dinner times - one around 5-6 pm and one later... between 9-11pm. Why these times, because that is when I come home usually to eat dinner and exercise (at my house or at yoga, etc) before heading back out for work / study/ who knows what pt. 2 of my work-day at coffee-shops around town. Without fail the past couple weeks he is waiting for me on the steps up to the my unit at the cooperative looking out at the parking lot. When I ride up on my bike he purrs his deaf cat sad/scary sound that I know equals sounds of love & excitement. He prances into my house and eats while I pet him for 15 minutes or so. If I stop petting him while eating he'll stop eating and follow me around the apartment so I go back to petting him because I want my skinny Snowflake to eat a full dinner.
Whereas he used to run out as soon as I'd open the door and let him, now he usually lingers as long as I'm doing something. He plays with his simple, cheap dead mouse toy, the only I've bought that he shows any interest in... and plays with it for hours. I love the playfulness he brings to the house and that he brings out in me. I reminder not to take life so seriously.
 |
| Yes, I pet him while he eats. He is a well-loved (read: semi-spoiled cat) |
But also a reminder of the love that comes after lust. My lust phase passed quickly with Snowflake as early on he bit me a lot, did not use the litter box and would tear my house apart if I'd leave him inside to go out for an errand. I was still enamored but it definitely kept things real. I never planned to have a pet so I guess I don't have the same expectations and sense of the ideal that I do for people and so it's much harder for him to disappointment me. But more than that, I think there is a pleasant contentment factor at work that keeps us both coming back for more than is overlooked today.
Snowflake shows up for me and I show up for him and there is a comfort in that. A contentment, dare I say. It is not complacency as there is too much happiness and love wrapped into our nightly interactions. I wish that more people I knew were interested in the bonds that can form through merely consistently being there. I may not give the highs of lust, romantically or first meetings between friends but it is the subtle positive feeling that lasts and that is there day after day. And there is an excitement as I pull up to my apartment on my bike to see Snowflake waiting for me.
In this one example, I see how much my initial efforts at establishing a connection and instilling a loyalty around that connection have paid off. If I was there intermittently he would not wait for me in the evenings. If I was not there almost every night then I would not experience this shining bright light that illuminates the end of my day long after the sun has gone down. I love my cat and I think he loves me and in showing up for him, it generates the candle wax that allows me to burn and be a light for others more than before I had him.
Maybe there is something to this showing up for others then. Maybe it is not ecstasy but the simple joys that yield the lasting, powerful connections in life.... or life lines, really.
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