A lighter post than my existential, philosophical writing yesterday (or somewhat at it turned out). Upon re-reading I realized two things: 1) I am not getting any better at representing my thoughts in words and 2) the thoughts that I ruminate on are on a different realm than most (and I don't necessarily mean in a good way).
One additional comment re: threads.... lately, I have been more cognizant.... strike that, have felt more, the weight of the desires & attachments to places, people and objects. I realize that while the interconnected array of my life is a network of support, of love and kindness, of beauty and compassion. However, in seeking to be reciprocal in the degree and nature of the in-flows of the above named positive qualities - I feel the heaviness in trying to meet such requirements. As well, I feel the weight of others in meeting what I am subtly or explicitly asking.
Thus, the push and pull of these threads reminds me of how I long for a more simple life - the equivalent of traveling around Thailand for months with nothing but my backpack and ultimately, on my own. At times I wished I had "more" with me, but carrying the extra baggage around ultimately was not necessary. As well, I made very strong connections with people. In part I believe because I came there independently, by myself.
I had the freedom that comes from non-attachment to items or persons. I also felt equanimity towards the results of my day to day activities. I had no expectations and thus, nothing to "lose". I went with the flow of the day rather than being guided by my desires and obligations.
Perhaps "real life" is not like this. Perhaps, actually certainly, there are benefits to "carrying" more - dividends that are tangible and felt. But, at what cost? Both my most joyous and most sad moments have been with / involved another person(s). However, does one have to sacrifice the "lightness of being" - tying oneself to object and beings seems antithetical to the attainment of happiness. This is an internal process that manifests outwardly. It is amplified when shared. Yet, sharing that evokes desire, develops threads that tie one to another with the push and pull of thoughts, feelings, expectations of the other.....I am not so sure this is the path I am currently on.
I do question the concept of "attachment" to people, as with to things. How do we interact with others in a supportive and compassionate way while remaining untethered?
I do not believe I am alone in this: I would much prefer to be attached to people than to things. A healthy, happy relationship with a person is infinitely rewarding. I definitely enjoy doing things by myself, but often moreso in the right company. I question whether one can actually interact with others, as you said "supportive and compassionate" without becoming tethered. But is such a tether a bad thing? It is an emotional investment in them. Caring for them. This is a positive, healthy thing, to me.
ReplyDeleteIan.