Shiva wave rider

I believe one major shift in who I have become out of the challenges I have faced is that I genuinely hope for a life of balance (rather than all systems go) and for a life that is person-centered (as much as I am still in full concentration mode if you come upon me at a coffee-shop). I see that to strive is to create stress and to make me into a mess of a person, full of anxiety, of the wearisome of livin' "on the edge" and the worry and weight of the world. I still seek to see myself in the system of things, to re-position myself and put what effort I can towards creating the change I am capable of producing at any given moment. I am much more likely however, to see that change as the present conversation I am having rather than the futuristic (perhaps) realization of my present-moment churning big ideas that keep me from fully engaging in the conversation I may be having. 

I also have stopped believing that the waves of life are ever going to calm into a placid sea nor am I sure that I'd want them to. Rather, my focus is on riding the waves as they come instead of getting continuously pounded by them. I've been using the name "shiva wave rider" lately as it suits my perspective towards living. 

Shiva and surfing.....

Shiva in that everything is created and destroyed in an instant and that everything changes. While I still look to "SUSTAIN" on my arm during tough times, I think the change is in the expectation and thus the orientation of my life.  I believe it is feeling the water, the tide, the waves and making from the heart decisions rather than listening to the "logic" of my mind and its little voice telling me to "push through". Why try to swim out to sea and struggle in the middle of the white water when I can just go with the tide to the side, watch the water for a break in the waves and finesse myself past the break zone? 

It is life as a dance rather than an endurance race. Balancing flexible (thinking) and relying on the firmness of the ground and finding strength there. With less hurry but no less urgency and no where to "go" but being fully "there".... . I breathe a full inhale and exhale and leaning forward into the "dancer" pose just as I would paddle in to a wave and find the board beneath my feet to ride in the wave - perhaps the most beautiful dance between humanity and nature . I do this over and over and then over again. 

Is this not life? 

Note in the picture - a self-portrait for a class at the Duke Center for Documentary Studies - the dancer standing on the yoga sutras surrounded my medicine bottles. This is my life. I ground myself in what I believe in and the wisdom of the ages and take the experiences and objects present in my life as they are - the medicine bottles- and just try to find the center. 

Admitting my qualms with T.S. Eliot re: the man behind the poetry, I admit my love of the "Four Quartets".  I believe Mr. Eliot had come to some conclusions at the end of his life as he writes of Krishna and the fire and the rose and the dance. And so, here I conclude with one of my favorite lines of poetry:

At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;

Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,

But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity,

Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,

Neither ascent nor decline. 

Except for the point, the still point,

There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.

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The fire of ingratitude

In yoga class last night, my teacher talked about gratitude. About cultivating a feeling of gratitude in the moment.

The question or rather proposal posed in class was that it is a choice to feel grateful in a given moment. Yes, there are people in this world who are suffering and reasons to personally feel less than grateful for all of us. But, how does the opposite of gratitude or the lack of gratitude serve us or others? Also, that gratitude should be a feeling based on the present moment and not on objects of the past or future.

I have a hard time with this teaching. There is so much I feel grateful for in this world- people, places, memories, dreams, the present moment- at times. I also struggle with life: with people in the world who are suffering at present, with myself at present (especially on this particular day of feeling unwell physically) and the scars of my past and uncertainty of my future.

Given the suffering inherent in the world and given that yes, we should recognize that and work to do something about it, there does still seem to be the option to either smile and laugh or cry. Given things how they are I am unsure of whether it is better to be happy and gracious and joyful or to be grateful when the feeling arises. For me and for those for whom I interact, are we better served to exude steady positive feelings or to internally be with and externally reflect whatever the feeling is present at any particular moment.

What is the opposite of gratitude? My teacher proposed it to be: the "fire of a feeling that lacks gratitude". I fire that purifies and churns us and like all fires burns away and/or transforms that which is burning. What would be on the other side of allowing ourselves to not feel gracious when it is appropriate to do so (and when is it appropriate to do so?).

Is there a choice here? I discipline to apply to one's thoughts or one's feelings? Does it get easier with practice?

Sunshine blooming

I planted seeds with abandon as it was already late to be planting seeds if not late to be planting potted plants. But I bought some mixed perennial seed packs and spread them through my new flower garden. I waited and waited. Small green would pop its head out from the mulch and that was the first joy, true joy I had  had from a gardening experience. Yes, I realize that watching seeds grow into plants is something that is amazing when first done in 3rd grade. But who says the amazement has to end in adulthood.

So you can imagine my excitement over the sunflower that is as tall as me bloom over the weekend. One, my love, love of sunflowers. I buy one every weekend at the Farmer's market. I have watched it grow from a small seedling on an exponential growth curve. Like my other seeds that sprouted, the growth rate was exceedingly slow at first and I was sure that by the time they grew to full size it would likely be the middle of NC summer in which plants have little chance of survival. However, the plants I now realize were on an exponential growth curve (is this common?). Slow slow slow in the take off and now a sizable increase in height with each new day. Like rings on a tree but on the exterior, there is a circle around where the plant was in the ground the previous day and now was 1-2-3 inches taller. Many are blooming. Most I have no idea what they are, what flowers they will have or what color they will be. Which makes walking out my door each morning one of the beautifully simple joys in life.

"Sunshine" my lovely sunflower.

My sunflower however is just beyond what I ever could have expected. That I could grow one at all. That it would be as tall as me.  That I didn't have to purchase what someone else had grown but what I had meticulously planted and tended. That it is a living sunflower and did not have to be cut for my enjoyment.

Sunshine about to bloom! 

I have always felt that sunflowers capture the essence of the light that the sun brings. They brighten my life.

I like to name plants, animals and inanimate objects. I will call the sunflower "sunshine". As it truly is the manifestation of the energy from the sun cultivated by the intricate organism of a sunflower, growing from and upon blooming fully expressing the light of the sun. Illuminating my world (and perhaps other coop residents who pass it entering our gate).

Curly? (Random?) transformations

I got my hair cut yesterday and under the top layer of my long hair and with the length taken off, aghast I have curly hair. Not super super curly but wavy bordering on curly in the back. How does something like this happen. What does it mean? Twenty seven years of stick straight hair and suddenly curls? Is this the manifestation of the events of the past year? Or, a sign of things to come? Or, just a random transformation.