The chemistry of candle wax

A candle in a dark room illuminates. The sun rises above the horizon of the ocean and rays of light illuminate the earth. What does it mean to be an illuminating presence? How can we remain a source of light for ourself and others. I have come to see that "Tapas" is related both to light, the by-product of burning and to the practice of burning.

I think of an inner candle burning. How does the candle become and remain lit? What comprises the fuel and what acts as the match or catalyst for living a life full of light? I pose this question because to me, the concept of a burning inner candle is related to living each day fully alive.

I want to be enlivened and from an inner burning candle that adds brightness in my days...so much so that it spills over into a light for others.

But, why does it seem that some days I have more light to give than others? Some days I feel like I am barely exuding light.

• Is this because I am running low on inner wax? 
• Because external circumstances are a filter or cloak over the bright flicker in my soul?
• Is my practice strong enough to endure that which makes me want to do anything other than be openly and fully alive? 

I believe one important part of the meaning of "tapas". To have the discipline to live such that I burn as brightly as I can while not over-drawing or under-drawing. How much do I have to give and what I need to keep in reserve? It is easy to float through the good days ignoring efforts at regenerating the source of my light as well as becoming caught in burning "the candle at both ends" as they say. Then, when times are hard, I find myself with little in reserve, literally consumed by the fire of the joy and sorrow of life.

In the chemistry of the soul, what is the equation for sustainable illumination? How much illumination is within me and what are my sources for "re-fueling"?

The serenity and the courage to break your own heart....

Yesterday, at Weaver St. I look to the magazine rack as I do every time I am in line, to check if the newest issue of my favorite magazine has hit the stands. I bought the June issue of the Sun yesterday without hesitation. Reading it today I am inspired by the parallels between the stories, the recent events of my life, and the words of the quote from which the Sun Magazine's title is based and an Irish prayer that is with me in life's daily struggles as well as paralleling events in my life of late.


The Sun: "What is to be light, must endure burning" - Victor Frankl

Irish Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can and
the wisdom to know the difference.

Sun Magazine, June Issue, Excerpts from an advice column "Dear Sugar", reprinted in the magazine.

Question: "Dear Sugar - my question is short and sweet: What would you tell your twenty-some self if you could talk to her now? Love, Seeking Wisdom"
Answer (selected passages):



SERENITY........" You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love simply because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don't waste your time on anything else."
COURAGE......."be brave enough to break your own heart.... that's all....."
WISDOM......."The useless days will add up to something.....these things are your becoming."
"There are some things you can't understand yet. Your life will be a great a continuously unfolding."


"Most things will be OK eventually, but not everything. Sometimes you'll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you'll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room."

Beyond the pain principle

The majority of my years of being a distance runner and being a student have ingrained the correlation with discipline and action. To "practice" is not just to "be" but to "be doing" something - a form of work - mental or physical. I have been conditioned, my identity wrapped in the day to day practices - to associate hard work and constancy: typified by an intensity that is enduring, if not a struggle in order not just a be a runner and student but as requisite for being "good" or "successful".

Central to the principled, disciplined life was the presence of pain in actions of my conscious choice. Why? Because of what I will call the "pain principle," or the positive attribution of pain with success. Example: the person who wins the race is the one who runs past the point of hurting the farthest through the psychological self overriding the voice saying "STOP" within the physical body. I have garnered the accolades of "traditional" sense of success in sports less because of an innate ability but because of a toughness that persevered and pushed myself in all of the days leading up to the race just as I would apply towards having test  in one of my courses.

So, the idea of "tapas" in yogic thought is challenging for me as I find this concept of "practice" and of purification, pain and "burning" that I have seen in various definitions of the observance of "tapas"  to be antithetical to my practice of yoga. My teacher refers to himself as a "reformed pusher," and from him I have cultivated a curiosity at exploring rather than exceeding one's "edge"; an emphasis on the "middle way"; peace, equanimity, contentment; and non-violence - including towards the self.

So, within yoga, what does practice mean? I cannot comprehend what is meant by purification that involves practice or pain or burning that does not step outside of the path of yoga and onto the conceptualization of discipline in collegiate running and graduate school. Both of the latter being on the more extreme side of the continuum but part of the path that society positively reinforces at large.

Is this way of being not the cause of suffering?

The practice of walking. The role of walking sticks.

[the picture for this blog is at the heart of this post]

I believe from my life experiences and from those whom I consider to be my spiritual teachers that all phenomena from external reality to our inner feeling are analogous to a walking stick. "TAPAS" is often defined as "practice" or "discipline" and thus, practice our walk through life.

A sturdy walking stick provides a stabilizing, grounding companion across unsteady footing. While helpful, centering too much of your weight upon the stick can be a recipe for falling flat on your face. So, just how much do we lean on something outside of ourselves for support during our practice?

"On the yoga mat" - is another manifestation of walking. It is the combination of simply living which is constant as long as we are inhaling and exhaling  and the conscious choice of how I allocate my time and energy towards a day of living my life. During the disciplined practice of asanas (postures) I rely on objects outside of myself to deepen my practice. A bolster assists in opening my back; a block or belt or yogi partner in class are some walking sticks of yoga. My hand on a block enables me to further steady my body and thus further the degree of balance and flexibility in a pose. Even the yoga mat as an object like a walking stick in that it increases my feeling of security and safety to practice outside the limits of what is otherwise available to my body alone. Yet a yoga mat is much more than just a substance that improves my ability to grip the ground.

A walking stick enables me to sink into the oneness of myself with nature and all that is. Walking with my stick along Linville river I slowly open, creating a space deep within my being- a metaphorical gorge inside of me. Enduring time and the effort that creates the tension needed for change, the glaciers cut through the mountains of Linville Gorge, NC just as my lifelong journey with walking and running have peeled away layers towards revealing my deepest self.

I want burning.

 The one and only RUMI, translated by Coleman Barks


"I don't hear the words

they say. I look inside at the humility.

That broken-open lowliness is the reality,
not the language! Forget phraseology.
I want burning, 'burning'.
                 Be friends
with your burning. Burn up your thinking
and your forms of expression!

.....I can't say what's happened.
     What I'm saying now
is not my real condition. It can't be said.

....When you look in a mirror,
you see yourself, not the state of the mirror.
The flute player puts breath into a flute,
and who makes the music? Not the flute.
The flute player!
                 Whenever you speak praise
or thanksgiving....it's always like

this dear..... simplicity.When you look in a mirror,
you see yourself, not the state of the mirror."