Writer's block - is pandora's box is empty or overly full

I have been struggling to write lately. I cannot figure out if I have just said all that I need to say- aka- that my life is not that interested to capture on paper or...... do I have so many thought swirling in my head that I'm afraid of what would come out if I actually did sit down and write.

I am absolutely terrified of the blank page and find that when I do sit down to write I usually can't write fast enough. So, I am guessing it is the latter issue.

Thus, I will try to write for 10 minutes a day and let out what lay inside inside in bite-sized amounts.....

Showing up w/ Snowflake

I would like to show up more.

Show up more with myself and as a result (I think) those around me. Maybe in showing up more for those around me I'll end up finding that I am there for me more as well. Which order is which?

Snowflake's modeling his profile

One new addition to what I find myself consistently committing myself to lately is my cat, Snowflake. We have a routine now but this is a new phenomenon, maybe due to the fact that I am showing up for him and building some kitty trust that I will be there the next day and the next. At first, he did not distinguish me from anyone else at the coop willing to feed him. But, through the dance we all play in coming together into relation with each other, we now reciprocate a "being there"-ness that evokes joy and love I never thought I would understand about pets.

He has two dinner times - one around 5-6 pm and one later... between 9-11pm.  Why these times, because that is when I come home usually to eat dinner and exercise (at my house or at yoga, etc) before heading back out for work / study/ who knows what pt. 2 of my work-day at coffee-shops around town. Without fail the past couple weeks he is waiting for me on the steps up to the my unit at the cooperative looking out at the parking lot. When I ride up on my bike he purrs his deaf cat sad/scary sound that I know equals sounds of love & excitement. He prances into my house and eats while I pet him for 15 minutes or so. If I stop petting him while eating he'll stop eating and follow me around the apartment so I go back to petting him because I want my skinny Snowflake to eat a full dinner.

Whereas he used to run out as soon as I'd open the door and let him, now he usually lingers as long as I'm doing something. He plays with his simple, cheap dead mouse toy, the only I've bought that he shows any interest in... and plays with it for hours. I love the playfulness he brings to the house and that he brings out in me. I reminder not to take life so seriously.

Yes, I pet him while he eats. He is a well-loved
(read: semi-spoiled cat)

But also a reminder of the love that comes after lust. My lust phase passed quickly with Snowflake as early on he bit me a lot, did not use the litter box and would tear my house apart if I'd leave him inside to go out for an errand. I was still enamored but it definitely kept things real. I never planned to have a pet so I guess I don't have the same expectations and sense of the ideal  that I do for people and so it's much harder for him to disappointment me. But more than that, I think there is a pleasant contentment factor at work that keeps us both coming back for more than is overlooked today.

Snowflake shows up for me and I show up for him and there is a comfort in that. A contentment, dare I say. It is not complacency as there is too much happiness and love wrapped into our nightly interactions. I wish that more people I knew were interested in the bonds that can form through merely consistently being there. I may not give the highs of lust, romantically or first meetings between friends but it is the subtle positive feeling that lasts and that is there day after day. And there is an excitement as I pull up to my apartment on my bike to see Snowflake waiting for me.

In this one example, I see how much my initial efforts at establishing a connection and instilling a loyalty around that connection have paid off. If I was there intermittently he would not wait for me in the evenings. If I was not there almost every night then I would not experience this shining bright light that illuminates the end of my day long after the sun has gone down. I love my cat and I think he loves me and in showing up for him, it generates the candle wax that allows me to burn and be a light for others more than before I had him.

Maybe there is something to this showing up for others then. Maybe it is not ecstasy but the simple joys that yield the lasting, powerful connections in life.... or life lines, really.

SWF seeks light

27 yr. old single female seeking light. Enjoys long walks during dim light of the beginning and ending of the day. Candlelight dinners. The rays of sunlight shining on me at the beach. Seeking one with the imagination capable of feeling the brightness of stars, the reflection of light all around, and (en)lightening flashes (literal and metaphorical). Enduring burning a plus especially one who self-generates the fuel to burn. Burning at the end of a cigarette is not a plus. Burning to be light in the presence of others or to illuminate reality is a plus. Serious replies only except for the (de)lightful playful variety. Inquire within.

An amphibious transformation

Albeit working 20 hours a week and taking some classes here and there at Duke now with a semester graduate class planned for the fall...... I am applying the "yama" of "tapas" to maintain a depth of engagement in the working world.

I have finally, after 27 years, realized that placing my effort on the balance instead of flowing with societies riptide pulling me out far into the sea. Being an amphibian might just be the key to a sustainable healthier and happier life. When I do feel the pull, instead of fighting the current, I'll just glide effortlessly over to the side until the urge or pressure passes.

Not making much sense.... let me jump back six months to my very unhealthy, busy aquatic life..... (read more)

A window from heart to heart - arms waving

Friend,
there's a window
that opens from heart to heart
and there are ways of closing it 

completely, not a needle's eye
of access. open or shut, both ways
are sometimes appropriate 

the deepest ignorance is not to know
about this window. when houses live
side by side with windows open, 

that's the embrace we want, a place where great souls
can stopover and rest. i'll say just
one more image and not explain. 

when david works with metal, he likes to melt down
locks and chains and forge them
into new shapes with his art. 

a shout comes from my room
where i've been cooped up.

after all my lust and dead living
i can still live with you
you want me to.
you fix and bring me food
you forget the way i've been. 

the ocean moves and surges
in the heat of the middle of the day
in the middle of the thought
i'm having.
why aren't all human resistances
burning up with this thought? 

it's a drum and arms waving.
it's a bonfire on the top edge of a hill
this meeting again with you.

- RUMI

Sunflower: Breathing. Beating. Beauty. Awe.

Is there anything more amazingly beautiful than a seed sprouting.
The slightest leaf of green emerging from the soil.
Days pass.
Growth measured in spurts each morning.
A new day.

Sunflower reaches for the ball of fire that fuels it.
Reaching towards the sky
Taller. Now above my hip.
Greener.
Beating stronger every day.

Breathing.
Exhale oxygen.
I Inhale awe.

My ongoing list of likes and dislikes (in my everyday life)

To be added to every once in a while.....

Like (or attracted/enjoy) - 
Snowflake - loving him & learning how to own a deaf/seeing impaired cat; feet in the sand and walking alongside the shore; watching sunrises and sunsets at the edge of a body of land; the gloaming part of the day; kirtan; toasted gluten free bread with goat's cheese and grape jelly; juicy mangoes; yoga w/ Ti Harmony; coaching running & anything wellness related; watching my plants grow each day, especially the ones from seed; using stamps instead of pens/typing; a vanilla americano; driving or biking on Orange & Alamance country roads; the feeling of sweeping my hardwood floors; reading the Carrboro paper at a bench under the Weaver st. trees. redbud trees; morning hot tea; reading a yoga sutra to start the day; the smell of lavendar; shiva; forward bends;  excel (yes, I'm weird); public journals in secret places; unicorns......

Flow states
- running , biking, yoga
- gardening - flowers & herbs
- altered book making
- kirtan

Dislike (or resist) - 
Summer trail running (deer flies); silence in my house; chickens that dig up my plants to roost; meditating; waking up late; doing the dishes; spiders; the Morgan creek greenway; the dying hemlocks in the NC mountains; having the TV on in the background; children crying or being loud in public places; hunting; I-40 and driving in general; vishnu; fish; headstand; flakiness; apathy; working on the weekends.......

Tapas - the catalyst for expanding the boundaries of being fully alive?

To comment on my last post - I believe that exploring- including actually doing-  the things that you dislike is a way to reduce the energy expended by the effort of avoidance and resistance and fear.  I also think it's a learning experience to understand why what you dislike you dislike.

Why do I hate the fish pose and feel like crying when I do it? Why can I not be disciplined enough to  do the dishes when I also dislike having dirty dishes in the sink? Why do I avoid running in the summer do to measly deer flies and a dislike of running on the road?

What is there to learning in putting myself in a place that is outside my zone of comfort?

Maybe I'd find the root cause and/or move through the aversion to a place of ok-ness or even enjoyment of.....

• Did I have previous bad experience,
• Is there fear here or an emotional element manifesting either consciously or unconsciously, 
• Do I feel inadequate against the something I feel is a challenge,
• Is this one of the gunas raising it's head - that makes me feel unmotivated and lazy?

Or, perhaps I'll learn there good reason to not enjoy certain things, task, people?

• That it is really a benign preference for something else and accept that I just dislike it. Is there pain - physical or emotional
• That is not the sort of pain that it is good to work through but is actually to do violence to myself or others.

What could happen:

•  Worst case - I bit of discomfort is experienced  --> an opportunity to be more compassionate to the suffering of others who do not have the option to avoid that which I dislike (ex. a person who washes dishes for a living)
• Another - I bit of discomfort is experienced and I --> clarify/ learn more about myself in the process even if just understanding what and why I do not prefer or avoid or resist things in life.
• Another - Tapas works it's magic and adding practice with some discipline is the catalyst that transforms my relationship with the items on my dislike list. ---> Over time maybe there is an "okayness" there or a purging of the "dis" from the like such that it moves at least some towards that which I seek to do and enjoy.
• Best case - I expand the boundaries of the experiences that come my way in the ebbs and flows of life --->  I can handle more or great depths what life offers without the added "ugh" , the resulting negativity or wasted energy of putting up walls of resistance. 

Hmm....something to ponder at least as I'd think most would like to feel more free and maybe this is a door.  This being said,  it's simply that.  There are many ways to have a more expansive and fully alive sense of living including doing what we like in the moment. Wouldn't it be cool though for that to happen more often as the moments present themselves. There are many ways to get to this place, maybe what I am suggesting is one.

Dislikes will set me free

I am composing a list of things I dislike today. In preparation for tomorrow's yoga class of doing everyone's least favorite poses, I thought I should extend this list of dislikes to off the mat.

I will post this list later and commit to doing or exposing myself more to the items on the list.

Why? --->Well, for the same reason we all submitted our least favorite pose for class (fish by the way):
because removing our aversions and resistances will set us free.....or at least a step in the direction of freedom, I should say.

What is on your list......?

Freedom, part 1: Commitment

What does commitment mean? What does freedom mean? How do they show up in our lives? What is the opposite of each idea and the tangible ways each manifests?

Does commitment have to do with "tapas": with discipline, with practice, with the notions of purification and the clarity that comes from cleansing actions?

Committing to what? Possibilities:

• to doing a specific practice - running x 3/week, attending Kirtan, cooking a local, fresh, nutritious meal for dinner
• to a person - a friend, a family, a relationship
• to hold yourself up to your values or follow a certain way of being - kindness, honesty, compassion -in its many manifestations
• to focus your discipline specific towards observances - from a wide concept of non-violence in your actions to particular way of focusing on "right speech" by having a day of silence each week.

Some thoughts / questions as they relate to liberation and freedom as Independence day approaches

• When is the relationship between commitment and freedom? Do any of the above commitments promote or lessen one's ability to be free?
• What is the relationship between commitment and attachment? Consciously practicing or being disciplined such that one focuses or directs actions, speech or finds the manifestations of a commitment to interweave throughout the day --> can this occur while still practicing non-attachment?
• What attachments are binding and which are a letting go that is liberating?
• Can the confines or bondages requisite to holding oneself to a practice or an attachment actually be the key to freedom? 
• Or, are discipline , commitment and attachment antithetical to what it means to be free?
• What limits our potential and what opens us to it? Can commitments to living moderately or the result of commitments that are limiting be that which releases us? 

What opens us and expands the boundaries of our lives - our potential and our lived experience?

What does it mean to be free? How, literally, does one be free?

(Feel "free" to comment,  in fact I'd encourage you to commit to exploring one of these questions in some way..... if part of that is being disciplined and open enough to share your experience, that would be very much welcomed)