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Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived to surf....now watching from the shore

Once upon a time,
there was a girl who lived to surf. Since birth, the beach has been an magical place. As an infant, her feet first felt the pull of the ocean. As a child, she made sand castles, running back and forth to the land's edge to collect sand and water and  build and imagine against the backdrop of the blue sky, her dreams the passing clouds. As a teenager, she walked and ran along the edge between land and sea again and again- a constant amidst the constant change.

The shifting sand and shifting sense of self,
an emerging identity emerging in relation to the firsts, the memories that define her,
haunt her,
those she longs to recreate and those she longs to forget.

The many people who came and went. The many people and many tales who came (and went) through the beach house her family has had for 40 years.

The experiences that, that leave a taste that lingers ---

the salty ocean water, the joys and the sorrow.

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Surfing is one way of telling the relationship I had with the sea and 

moments of joy and sorrow, of 

loving effort and passionate surrender together 

as well as the 

fear and feelings I ignored. 

Even today I can embody my most epic surf experience: Barra de la Cruz, a right break, discovered by few, on no map, where waves break like those I paddled into and rode down the line. 


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Seeking feedback - poll on attachment & relationships

Poll: How does attachment (or non-attachment) apply to relationships?

Lightness of being

A lighter post than my existential, philosophical writing yesterday (or somewhat at it turned out). Upon re-reading I realized two things: 1) I am not getting any better at representing my thoughts in words and 2) the thoughts that I ruminate on are on a different realm than most (and I don't necessarily mean in a good way).

One additional comment re: threads.... lately, I have been more cognizant.... strike that, have felt more, the weight of the desires & attachments to places, people and objects. I realize that while the interconnected array of my life is a network of support, of love and kindness, of beauty and compassion. However, in seeking to be reciprocal in the degree and nature of the in-flows of the above named positive qualities - I feel the heaviness in trying to meet such requirements.  As well, I feel the weight of others in meeting what I am subtly or explicitly asking.

Thus, the push and pull of these threads reminds me of how I long for a more simple life - the equivalent of traveling around Thailand for months with nothing but my backpack and ultimately, on my own. At times I wished I had "more" with me, but carrying the extra baggage around ultimately was not necessary. As well, I made very strong connections with people. In part I believe because I came there independently, by myself.

I had the freedom that comes from non-attachment to items or persons. I also felt equanimity towards the results of my day to day activities. I had no expectations and thus, nothing to "lose". I went with the flow of the day rather than being guided by my desires and obligations.

Perhaps "real life" is not like this. Perhaps, actually certainly, there are benefits to "carrying" more - dividends that are tangible and felt. But, at what cost? Both my most joyous and most sad moments have been with / involved another person(s). However, does one have to sacrifice the "lightness of being" - tying oneself to object and beings seems antithetical to the attainment of happiness. This is an internal process that manifests outwardly. It is amplified when shared. Yet, sharing that evokes desire, develops threads that tie one to another with the push and pull of thoughts, feelings, expectations of the other.....I am not so sure this is the path I am currently on.

I do question the concept of "attachment" to people, as with to things. How do we interact with others in a supportive and compassionate way while remaining untethered?

In need of massage: knotted threads - samsara struggles - open heart surgery

Threads familiar and new, stretched behind and in front of me. Threads intertwine in tangled knots. The memories continue to live in, tying threads of the past to the present. The many strands of possibilities of the future saturate the now. My yoga guide's teachings have emphasized living in the present and cultivating an awareness of the internal body and breath inhaling external sensations and exhaling the mind's concepts and imaginings which pull us away from being present.

So many people I believe are unaware of their bodies, that live in the mind cut off from the heart and the embodied experiences and generate "samsaras". While I am so grateful to be  on this quest that brings me closer to freeing up myself so that I can show up in the present moment, I recognize the quest is long and arduous.

Today and recent days, I feel like various threads of my being that connect the people and the places of importance are like a muscle overworked or awkwardly used leading to the soreness of a tight and sore muscle. In seeking to be more present, I feel I have derailed the grooves of society's routine and kept the habitual patterns of myself in check. Yet, the way of living that has opened me up is equivalent in many ways to the open heart surgery - a painful process with dividends of giving life.

The journey of a being aware and being equanimous to the active process of interweaving the threads of my life is not the easy path. Cultivating the intersection point of being as accumulation of moments and being-in-the-moment is quite the journey to find and once located, it's own double-edged sword.


Ironically (at least on my journey):
The letting go of the places in us that hold and generate suffering is itself a painful process.

(read on!)