Actions towards self-sustaining- commitment to refueling

Dedicated reciprocity -There is a time for giving and receiving. 

There is time when such exchanges occur between oneself and another and times when the actions involve the self only. The latter seems overlooked in what is reinforced in our society. The sentence barely seems to make sense:
"to give to and to receive the gift of the self by the self." 

Yet, for me, this is a foundation action and focus of my energy. Perhaps it is my introverted nature , perhaps it is:
- my only child upbringing in a divided household
- the learned acceptance of the lack of another to sustain me during times of need in the past several years. Or, perhaps it is
- my innate independence that naturally assumes the role of sustaining myself.

Regardless, I find myself needing time and energy to dedicate to the process of rejuvenation of the self towards the end of the year. Maybe it is not so much this time of year as the by-product of the fall (semester)and what that tends to entail : the over-commitment leading to overwork and sense of being overwhelmed.

When overwhelmed, the practice of "tapas" as directed inwards  towards positive actions towards the self and directed towards non-striving...... goes out with the bathwater, so to speak. The complex system of the self in context with people, places and the practices of everyday life requires a sustainable feedback loop.

 BOTH attention and action when the system tilts the slighted towards schismogenensis require commitment (the beginning of a break in sustainability the process away from an adaptive system). Yet, in the midst of such a schism I dedicate my effort further from my self, focusing on everything but myself in attempt to redirect and fix the consequences of the spiral of too much (insert here) // over-(work / commitment / time / etc.). The symptoms but not the root cause. Much like our current health (or rather ill-health) care system.

At some point, usually not when needed but when able after the pulls on the system abate, I return to my cup and assess just how empty it is.I have learned to run on empty but also learned that this is not what I want my life to be. BUT it takes a concerted effort.

A process of dedication I find much harder; a commitment that requires much more effort. To commit to ensuring my cup is full enough - a process mostly of the self.  The prerequisite for what I seek most-  to continue giving of myself to what I have committed to doing / being.

The oddity thus- the over-commitment to the aspects of life undermines my ability to fully give and to fully receive.  I will take this week to re-center and rejuvenate at the root .... at my center.  

December 2011- Back to blogging: Discrimination within dedication

Mid-December and it has been months since my last post. Why? Because I have not had "time". Which is of course not exactly true, though I say these words often. I have had time, I have just chosen to allocate my time between my different commitments and writing entries here did not make the cut.

I begin again to explore the notion of "tapas*," one of the ten practices included in the Yoga Sutras of Patajali with a question. There are a multiplicity of tasks that require the commitment of my time and energy, so many that some will not be able to be accomplished without sacrificing the quality and full presence.
1- How does one decide how to prioritize between the practices and people which comprise our daily lives?
2- What makes the "cut"- Which people? Which tasks at work and school? Which practices of daily living?
3- Should the level of commitment to that which does make the cut be reduced to increase the quantity of that which I decide to give of myself - my time and effort and energy and passion and love?

For those who know me, know It is hard for me to do things less than 100%. Yet, how many more things could I do if I did not over-commit - not to the number of tasks but to the dedication level I hold myself for a given task. Would this make life more rich for me and those I love or be a water down version of living?

I write this blog about tapas not because of my lack of ability to commit, to dedicate, to work hard but rather my inability not to do so. Obviously, I have chosen not to dedicate myself to this blog in the past months - why?

I believe that there must be a middle ground here and that is what I am seeking to find. I hope that re-initiating my inquiry and sharing it with those I know will help me in seeking answers to these and other questions.

I believe there is a discriminatory factor to the practice of tapas and that I need to figure out how best to give my time, energy, and my live and my self.........

- pkb

[*Tapas is interpreted to mean "dedication", "persevering practice" or "commitment"]

Happy Birthday to me- the gift of freedom & Day 1: Dishes

Happy Birthday to me. I give myself the freedom from the restraints of my habits.

Whether habits, thought-patterns, negative feelings and behaviors.... over the first 29 days of my 29th year I commit to recognizing the patterns that are not serving me and reconfiguring a more positive, productive way of approaching daily life.

Habit #1: Dishes....

Current habit: I have developed a resistance to doing the dishes. I avoid them in the morning by convincing myself I should get a start on my work and do them later. When later comes, something else is higher on the to-do list. While I hate the look and the gross, smell sometimes, of this inaction, I cannot motivate myself to do dishes more than I don't feel like doing them. Hence, not doing the dishes frequently enough......

Result: A pile of dishes growing faster than they are washed.... an almost daily pile of dirty plates and cups. As the pile grows, my motivation to tackle the dishes as the pile grows reinforces the habit decreases. I walk into a house that is less inviting to me because it is not clean and organized. Reduces the likelihood that I will cook even lower.

Starting today (10/11): I will spend 15 minutes per day on dishes and kitchen cleaning. If this daily practice does not yield a dish free sink by the end of the day, once a week, on Sundays, I will do all dishes in the sink to start the new week.

Preview

Day 2: Forgiving myself

Day 3: In bed at 11pm.... (.) = period!

Day 4: Forgiving others

....notice the theme of addressing alternating smaller and larger areas of my life that I'd like to change because I believe that simply having awareness over the habits in my life is a start and that even small changes add up to a more positive, authentic, present-moment, joyous life - for me and in relation to those in my life. 

Quiet retreat

Bringing the yoga retreat to Carrboro while back home for 3 days, then beach bound again. While "away" from the retreat, turning inwards to maintain the feeling of presence and union cultivated.

Who says yoga (class, retreat, studio) "ends". The external circumstances always change - I may get off the mat when class ends or, in this case, need to leave a yoga gathering surrounded by lovely people, days of yoga in a peaceful place. But, there is a space in me where a quiet yoga retreat presides everyday. Easier to find at the yoga beach week but the challenge in holding onto the fusion of outer and inner.

Amidst the many to do's tomorrow and the next (..and the rest of days) maybe if I listen close and surrender, I will learn more about how to live yoga always. Outwards staying present with the hecticness and in the same moment on a quest inwards in search of my peaceful beach.....being

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Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived to surf....now watching from the shore

Once upon a time,
there was a girl who lived to surf. Since birth, the beach has been an magical place. As an infant, her feet first felt the pull of the ocean. As a child, she made sand castles, running back and forth to the land's edge to collect sand and water and  build and imagine against the backdrop of the blue sky, her dreams the passing clouds. As a teenager, she walked and ran along the edge between land and sea again and again- a constant amidst the constant change.

The shifting sand and shifting sense of self,
an emerging identity emerging in relation to the firsts, the memories that define her,
haunt her,
those she longs to recreate and those she longs to forget.

The many people who came and went. The many people and many tales who came (and went) through the beach house her family has had for 40 years.

The experiences that, that leave a taste that lingers ---

the salty ocean water, the joys and the sorrow.

-----

Surfing is one way of telling the relationship I had with the sea and 

moments of joy and sorrow, of 

loving effort and passionate surrender together 

as well as the 

fear and feelings I ignored. 

Even today I can embody my most epic surf experience: Barra de la Cruz, a right break, discovered by few, on no map, where waves break like those I paddled into and rode down the line. 


----

Seeking feedback - poll on attachment & relationships

Poll: How does attachment (or non-attachment) apply to relationships?

Lightness of being

A lighter post than my existential, philosophical writing yesterday (or somewhat at it turned out). Upon re-reading I realized two things: 1) I am not getting any better at representing my thoughts in words and 2) the thoughts that I ruminate on are on a different realm than most (and I don't necessarily mean in a good way).

One additional comment re: threads.... lately, I have been more cognizant.... strike that, have felt more, the weight of the desires & attachments to places, people and objects. I realize that while the interconnected array of my life is a network of support, of love and kindness, of beauty and compassion. However, in seeking to be reciprocal in the degree and nature of the in-flows of the above named positive qualities - I feel the heaviness in trying to meet such requirements.  As well, I feel the weight of others in meeting what I am subtly or explicitly asking.

Thus, the push and pull of these threads reminds me of how I long for a more simple life - the equivalent of traveling around Thailand for months with nothing but my backpack and ultimately, on my own. At times I wished I had "more" with me, but carrying the extra baggage around ultimately was not necessary. As well, I made very strong connections with people. In part I believe because I came there independently, by myself.

I had the freedom that comes from non-attachment to items or persons. I also felt equanimity towards the results of my day to day activities. I had no expectations and thus, nothing to "lose". I went with the flow of the day rather than being guided by my desires and obligations.

Perhaps "real life" is not like this. Perhaps, actually certainly, there are benefits to "carrying" more - dividends that are tangible and felt. But, at what cost? Both my most joyous and most sad moments have been with / involved another person(s). However, does one have to sacrifice the "lightness of being" - tying oneself to object and beings seems antithetical to the attainment of happiness. This is an internal process that manifests outwardly. It is amplified when shared. Yet, sharing that evokes desire, develops threads that tie one to another with the push and pull of thoughts, feelings, expectations of the other.....I am not so sure this is the path I am currently on.

I do question the concept of "attachment" to people, as with to things. How do we interact with others in a supportive and compassionate way while remaining untethered?

In need of massage: knotted threads - samsara struggles - open heart surgery

Threads familiar and new, stretched behind and in front of me. Threads intertwine in tangled knots. The memories continue to live in, tying threads of the past to the present. The many strands of possibilities of the future saturate the now. My yoga guide's teachings have emphasized living in the present and cultivating an awareness of the internal body and breath inhaling external sensations and exhaling the mind's concepts and imaginings which pull us away from being present.

So many people I believe are unaware of their bodies, that live in the mind cut off from the heart and the embodied experiences and generate "samsaras". While I am so grateful to be  on this quest that brings me closer to freeing up myself so that I can show up in the present moment, I recognize the quest is long and arduous.

Today and recent days, I feel like various threads of my being that connect the people and the places of importance are like a muscle overworked or awkwardly used leading to the soreness of a tight and sore muscle. In seeking to be more present, I feel I have derailed the grooves of society's routine and kept the habitual patterns of myself in check. Yet, the way of living that has opened me up is equivalent in many ways to the open heart surgery - a painful process with dividends of giving life.

The journey of a being aware and being equanimous to the active process of interweaving the threads of my life is not the easy path. Cultivating the intersection point of being as accumulation of moments and being-in-the-moment is quite the journey to find and once located, it's own double-edged sword.


Ironically (at least on my journey):
The letting go of the places in us that hold and generate suffering is itself a painful process.

(read on!)

Gratitude (inspired by today's run)

Today, unlike the days of this summer, everything fell into place with no complicating factors coming between me and feeling infinite as I ran. The temperature only 80 degrees and cloudy. I found myself not awkwardly configuring my stride to accommodate my knee but rather finding that place where I can run without effort. And my body did not fight back either. I did not feel tired, I could breath calmly, the endorphins were flowing and I felt stronger and stronger as I ran.... and ran further and further still.

I FELT INFINITE. 

I AM SO THANKFUL.

this is life fully lived. i am feel such gratitude.

(PS - pictures to be added to this post from today's trail run)

Read on for why I have not run (really run) on the trails in several months; why I love running; and more on why tonight's run was magical......

Life, lived through the senses

My favorite part about living in this area is the ability to get the best coffee in the Southeast and food from our local farmer's market as well as see a cow grazing in the fields, both within one or two miles.

For an "N" or intuitive vs. sensing person in the Myer's Briggs typology, I spend a lot of time in the focused inwards and in the imaginative, idealistic world of my mind. I think the reason I love running and biking (and yoga and surfing) so much is that these activities pull me back into my body. My sensing body interacting with the world in the present moment, sending perceptive signals to my mind connecting mind-body-nature.

Riding my bike out in the rural roads of Orange County: 

-seeing the idyllic rolling hills of vegetable fields, barns and animal pastures and the leaves dance in the wind;
-hearing a tractor and chainsaw, the sounds of cows, horses tempered by the hum of the wind in my ear generated from the movement of my body on the bike through space.
- inhaling and whiffing of the scent of blooming flowers and the occasional not pleasant smell of the pastures, mostly astounded by how consuming are the breathes of clean, country air.
- tasting the salt from the sweat dripping down to my lips as I take a sip of water

Above all, feeling the sensation of my body moving through space: my legs pedaling, I feel the tires grip the ground below, feel the wind against my whole being like a soft touch. The flow of prana - or life force - as I inhale all that is this section of the country road and exhaling myself
into my surroundings.... a glorious exchange; a beautiful fabric of each breath weaving together that which appears separate: my body and that which is not my body, becoming one with the bike that propels me forward and with my the engagement of each of my senses with everything around me.

Bike trip across NC

I had a renewed sense of pleasure (pun intended) from my "being-in-the-world" experience.  I felt the duality between mind & body disappear as well as the dichotomy between self and non-self disappear into a oneness with time & place.

Just a 45 minute bike ride. Such a simple activity but with the opportunity for it to be everything. Infinite number of moments and the infinite number of objects of the senses.

I felt it all.

PS- Picture is from biking across my lovely state with my best friend in life. Journal of the week-long trip here: click here or url: http://www.crazyguyonabike.com/doc/Sustain2007

The present days

A recap of where I stand these days.

My roles currently include:

PART TIME GRADUATE STUDENT
- I just started back to school as a part-time graduate student in HPM (dept. in public health). I am taking health law with a professor I very much like. Having a dad who is a health lawyer to talk through all the facets of class with makes it all the better.
- I am considering taking two other classes
1) A leadership and ethics in health care course- it's only a 2 credit course and meets once a week. I've already taken global ethics, organizational leadership and behavior and research management and ethics ..... so maybe it is a bit redundant but it would mean being taught by one of people I respect most in life, Dr. Edward Brooks.
2) Anthropology of science - since taking an ANTH class in 2010 exploring "detection" and the "rhetoric of evidence" in biomedicine, a more specific topic within the STS - known as "science and technology studies" or the philosophy of, history of, social science study of - science and technology. This is the closest UNC has to offering a course for which there are more and more universities offering graduate degrees in. I am fascinated with epistemological and ontological inquiry into the social and cultural construction of "facts", "truths", "knowledge". See these links: Philosophy of science  or more broadly, here.

Self-portrait for Duke Documentary
studies workshop

PROJECT MANAGER FOR AUTISM RESEARCH STUDY
I am working half time with my undergraduate mentor, Dr. Steve Reznick in his study developing the earliest detection instrument - a survey to be completed by parents about their one year old. I am responsible for the finalization of the instrument (what questions, question responses, ordering of the questions), the layout of the instrument and other elements the mailing with a daunting 30,000 survey size of recent parents residing in NC. I'll be working with a designer on a logo and layout; who will do the printing, the mailing, the scanning of the surveys returned; setting up the database of birth records and addresses from the NC Center for public health stats which gives us the info on who to mail to; figuring out what sample would likely lead to a representative sample of respondents; determining how to collect the survey instruments we receive in the mail; and working with the team of five or six other professors / PhD researchers on our team.

I love my job. I appreciate the autonomy, initiative and creativity that it has allowed thus far in what could be construed as a potentially more defined if not micro-managed, very left-brained role. I think the research is novel, am intrigued by the tasks I've worked on thus far and believe I am contributing to a significant & important area of study. Not to mention how much I am learning.

DUKE CENTER FOR NON-PROFIT MGMT

I am just about to complete my non-profit management certificate through Duke. I have been gleaning hours up to the total required since last spring in day-long courses. I've have two this week and then will have one remaining. Topics have included: Grassroots fundraising, constructive conflict resolution, working w/ high functioning teams, managing multiple priorities and time, effective business writing..... I have REALLY enjoyed and learned a great deal applicable to Sustain and other NP as well as general school and life skills.

DUKE CENTER FOR DOCUMENTARY STUDIES

After taking one workshop this summer to kick-start this certificate program on "Literacy through photography", I am taking an 8 week class this fall - meeting one evening a week- on "Documentary photography as a fine art". I'll be working on my "photographic vision" through understanding what elements of a photograph converge with principles of fine art. We'll be critiquing iconic photography and each other's work in later weeks. For the certificate, one needs to take around 6-7 courses of around 20 contact hours each. I am super excited to be extending my recent delving into my right brain, building on the arts classes taken last winter and creative projects I've been working on pretty much constantly.

AS WELL

- Serving as the Sustain: Sakina project coordinator until we find a director. I am trying to find partners for our Sakina Secondary School Scholars for the upcoming school year. If interested in being part of giving the opportunity of education to these motivated youth in need, please contact me! Partial scholarships are welcome as are non-monetary methods of support.
- Being the treasurer of the Weaver St. Cooperative Housing Association where I live. This has taken more of my time than ever imagined but is rewarding too.
- Working daily (at this very moment) at Open Eye and Driade. Expanding to Weaver St. and Looking Glass as well. Still enjoying my daily vanilla americano.
- Meeting Tuesdays or Wednesdays with an art collaborative that has formed from the "altered book" course taken at the Artscenter. We meet at the teacher's art studio in a barn at her home out in the country. Four woman, making and altering books, sharing each others lives, often sharing alcohol. A thing of beauty.

Celebrating a strike while
costume bowling at Vanessa's b-day party

- Running when I can which has not been often because of my stupid left knee. Still not tracking correctly due to my quad muscle not firing properly all stemming from my stupid stupid tail-bone cracking incident at Linville when I attempted to swim down a rapid.
- Yoga at the Open Heart Yoga studio as much as possible.
- Hanging out and cultivating a friendship with Vanessa and relationship with Austin.
- Spending time with my family - dad, mom, grandma
- Tending to my flower garden in all of it's beauty and contending with all of it's problems (disease and insects currently invading). I had a sunflower bloom!
- Painting a wooden unicorn
- Listening to books/podcasts on audio CD in my car
- Biking around town
- Watching the recently released Ally McBeal TV series when I have time (which is not so often)
- Tending for my kitty, Snowflake

Phew. I was going to add my "plans" but should stop here as I have work to do! It is a beautiful late summer evening when the heat dies down a bit, the breeze picks up, the sky begins to soften in color. A lovely time to do my reading for the week :)

Life is a spiral --- student life once more

My life has been defined in relation to others: a daughter and grand-daughter, friend, girlfriend but also in iterations of my identity mainly as a student and a runner.

The position of my self with-in the cultural world of the academic institutions feels like home... it was all I had known until I graduated college. 21 of the 27 years of my life (13 years until graduating high-school + 4 years undergrad + 3 years grad + 1/2 yr. part time + 1 summer of Thai language) "being" a student.

I have not been a student since last December 9th, 2010. I also had 1 1/2 years of graduate school as a student giving 100% effort erased, "withdrawn".

As I begin in public health once again as a part time student this fall, I feel like I have gone in a circle - or - more of a spiral with broadening boundaries and perspective. Yet, while the distance from the center may have widened, I stand in relation to the same space that I have inhabited before as a new student.

The b-line, straight line to a PhD, like most things in life has taken an unexpected detour(s). I never thought I would be a "new student" again. I believed I would start graduate school and continue until completing my terminal degree. Instead it has been revolutions of a wheel that I am riding, inching forward semester by semester.

Not only anything but a linear trajectory, I have actually gone backwards or rather, time passed for which I was a full-time student that "doesn't count" ..... does that mean that the time - a year and a half of my life did not exist? Obviously it did.

It is just strange to stand here in the present which is a point along the PhD line that I should have passed years ago. I stand here as a student starting the fall semester of the 2nd year of my master's program as if the year spent in anthropology and in the PhD program never occurred.... (maybe a detour rather than a circle or a spiral then?). The students that I started my master's program with have since graduated and been working for over a year.

Where would I be - location? job? if I had not transferred into the PhD program early? What other possibly life courses might I have taken if different paths were taken at the major crossroads thus far?.

I cannot help but to feel like my identity has been lost in time and I am left to ponder where exactly my two feet are standing as I pause before walking into the Health Policy and Management building.

Will this be the last time I am a new student? Will it all come crashing down, again? Defer. Wait to heal. Withdrawl. Repeat.

I so want to embody the life of a student... perhaps for my whole life. I can see myself graduating and never leaving the university system switching from student to teacher/professor. All the time I am learning surrounded by a culture of learning. This is where I feel at home.

Ready. Set. Go.
Patricia K. Brewer- part-time post-baccalaureate student-HPM 710: Health Law.
Here's hoping for synchronicity between absolute time and time as a student.

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**Note: I firmly believe that wherever you are, you are and that that is ok and alright. This feeling does not keep my mind from churning around with its chattering of thoughts.

Shiva wave rider

I believe one major shift in who I have become out of the challenges I have faced is that I genuinely hope for a life of balance (rather than all systems go) and for a life that is person-centered (as much as I am still in full concentration mode if you come upon me at a coffee-shop). I see that to strive is to create stress and to make me into a mess of a person, full of anxiety, of the wearisome of livin' "on the edge" and the worry and weight of the world. I still seek to see myself in the system of things, to re-position myself and put what effort I can towards creating the change I am capable of producing at any given moment. I am much more likely however, to see that change as the present conversation I am having rather than the futuristic (perhaps) realization of my present-moment churning big ideas that keep me from fully engaging in the conversation I may be having. 

I also have stopped believing that the waves of life are ever going to calm into a placid sea nor am I sure that I'd want them to. Rather, my focus is on riding the waves as they come instead of getting continuously pounded by them. I've been using the name "shiva wave rider" lately as it suits my perspective towards living. 

Shiva and surfing.....

Shiva in that everything is created and destroyed in an instant and that everything changes. While I still look to "SUSTAIN" on my arm during tough times, I think the change is in the expectation and thus the orientation of my life.  I believe it is feeling the water, the tide, the waves and making from the heart decisions rather than listening to the "logic" of my mind and its little voice telling me to "push through". Why try to swim out to sea and struggle in the middle of the white water when I can just go with the tide to the side, watch the water for a break in the waves and finesse myself past the break zone? 

It is life as a dance rather than an endurance race. Balancing flexible (thinking) and relying on the firmness of the ground and finding strength there. With less hurry but no less urgency and no where to "go" but being fully "there".... . I breathe a full inhale and exhale and leaning forward into the "dancer" pose just as I would paddle in to a wave and find the board beneath my feet to ride in the wave - perhaps the most beautiful dance between humanity and nature . I do this over and over and then over again. 

Is this not life? 

Note in the picture - a self-portrait for a class at the Duke Center for Documentary Studies - the dancer standing on the yoga sutras surrounded my medicine bottles. This is my life. I ground myself in what I believe in and the wisdom of the ages and take the experiences and objects present in my life as they are - the medicine bottles- and just try to find the center. 

Admitting my qualms with T.S. Eliot re: the man behind the poetry, I admit my love of the "Four Quartets".  I believe Mr. Eliot had come to some conclusions at the end of his life as he writes of Krishna and the fire and the rose and the dance. And so, here I conclude with one of my favorite lines of poetry:

At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;

Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,

But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity,

Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,

Neither ascent nor decline. 

Except for the point, the still point,

There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.

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The fire of ingratitude

In yoga class last night, my teacher talked about gratitude. About cultivating a feeling of gratitude in the moment.

The question or rather proposal posed in class was that it is a choice to feel grateful in a given moment. Yes, there are people in this world who are suffering and reasons to personally feel less than grateful for all of us. But, how does the opposite of gratitude or the lack of gratitude serve us or others? Also, that gratitude should be a feeling based on the present moment and not on objects of the past or future.

I have a hard time with this teaching. There is so much I feel grateful for in this world- people, places, memories, dreams, the present moment- at times. I also struggle with life: with people in the world who are suffering at present, with myself at present (especially on this particular day of feeling unwell physically) and the scars of my past and uncertainty of my future.

Given the suffering inherent in the world and given that yes, we should recognize that and work to do something about it, there does still seem to be the option to either smile and laugh or cry. Given things how they are I am unsure of whether it is better to be happy and gracious and joyful or to be grateful when the feeling arises. For me and for those for whom I interact, are we better served to exude steady positive feelings or to internally be with and externally reflect whatever the feeling is present at any particular moment.

What is the opposite of gratitude? My teacher proposed it to be: the "fire of a feeling that lacks gratitude". I fire that purifies and churns us and like all fires burns away and/or transforms that which is burning. What would be on the other side of allowing ourselves to not feel gracious when it is appropriate to do so (and when is it appropriate to do so?).

Is there a choice here? I discipline to apply to one's thoughts or one's feelings? Does it get easier with practice?

Sunshine blooming

I planted seeds with abandon as it was already late to be planting seeds if not late to be planting potted plants. But I bought some mixed perennial seed packs and spread them through my new flower garden. I waited and waited. Small green would pop its head out from the mulch and that was the first joy, true joy I had  had from a gardening experience. Yes, I realize that watching seeds grow into plants is something that is amazing when first done in 3rd grade. But who says the amazement has to end in adulthood.

So you can imagine my excitement over the sunflower that is as tall as me bloom over the weekend. One, my love, love of sunflowers. I buy one every weekend at the Farmer's market. I have watched it grow from a small seedling on an exponential growth curve. Like my other seeds that sprouted, the growth rate was exceedingly slow at first and I was sure that by the time they grew to full size it would likely be the middle of NC summer in which plants have little chance of survival. However, the plants I now realize were on an exponential growth curve (is this common?). Slow slow slow in the take off and now a sizable increase in height with each new day. Like rings on a tree but on the exterior, there is a circle around where the plant was in the ground the previous day and now was 1-2-3 inches taller. Many are blooming. Most I have no idea what they are, what flowers they will have or what color they will be. Which makes walking out my door each morning one of the beautifully simple joys in life.

"Sunshine" my lovely sunflower.

My sunflower however is just beyond what I ever could have expected. That I could grow one at all. That it would be as tall as me.  That I didn't have to purchase what someone else had grown but what I had meticulously planted and tended. That it is a living sunflower and did not have to be cut for my enjoyment.

Sunshine about to bloom! 

I have always felt that sunflowers capture the essence of the light that the sun brings. They brighten my life.

I like to name plants, animals and inanimate objects. I will call the sunflower "sunshine". As it truly is the manifestation of the energy from the sun cultivated by the intricate organism of a sunflower, growing from and upon blooming fully expressing the light of the sun. Illuminating my world (and perhaps other coop residents who pass it entering our gate).

Curly? (Random?) transformations

I got my hair cut yesterday and under the top layer of my long hair and with the length taken off, aghast I have curly hair. Not super super curly but wavy bordering on curly in the back. How does something like this happen. What does it mean? Twenty seven years of stick straight hair and suddenly curls? Is this the manifestation of the events of the past year? Or, a sign of things to come? Or, just a random transformation.

Writer's block - is pandora's box is empty or overly full

I have been struggling to write lately. I cannot figure out if I have just said all that I need to say- aka- that my life is not that interested to capture on paper or...... do I have so many thought swirling in my head that I'm afraid of what would come out if I actually did sit down and write.

I am absolutely terrified of the blank page and find that when I do sit down to write I usually can't write fast enough. So, I am guessing it is the latter issue.

Thus, I will try to write for 10 minutes a day and let out what lay inside inside in bite-sized amounts.....

Showing up w/ Snowflake

I would like to show up more.

Show up more with myself and as a result (I think) those around me. Maybe in showing up more for those around me I'll end up finding that I am there for me more as well. Which order is which?

Snowflake's modeling his profile

One new addition to what I find myself consistently committing myself to lately is my cat, Snowflake. We have a routine now but this is a new phenomenon, maybe due to the fact that I am showing up for him and building some kitty trust that I will be there the next day and the next. At first, he did not distinguish me from anyone else at the coop willing to feed him. But, through the dance we all play in coming together into relation with each other, we now reciprocate a "being there"-ness that evokes joy and love I never thought I would understand about pets.

He has two dinner times - one around 5-6 pm and one later... between 9-11pm.  Why these times, because that is when I come home usually to eat dinner and exercise (at my house or at yoga, etc) before heading back out for work / study/ who knows what pt. 2 of my work-day at coffee-shops around town. Without fail the past couple weeks he is waiting for me on the steps up to the my unit at the cooperative looking out at the parking lot. When I ride up on my bike he purrs his deaf cat sad/scary sound that I know equals sounds of love & excitement. He prances into my house and eats while I pet him for 15 minutes or so. If I stop petting him while eating he'll stop eating and follow me around the apartment so I go back to petting him because I want my skinny Snowflake to eat a full dinner.

Whereas he used to run out as soon as I'd open the door and let him, now he usually lingers as long as I'm doing something. He plays with his simple, cheap dead mouse toy, the only I've bought that he shows any interest in... and plays with it for hours. I love the playfulness he brings to the house and that he brings out in me. I reminder not to take life so seriously.

Yes, I pet him while he eats. He is a well-loved
(read: semi-spoiled cat)

But also a reminder of the love that comes after lust. My lust phase passed quickly with Snowflake as early on he bit me a lot, did not use the litter box and would tear my house apart if I'd leave him inside to go out for an errand. I was still enamored but it definitely kept things real. I never planned to have a pet so I guess I don't have the same expectations and sense of the ideal  that I do for people and so it's much harder for him to disappointment me. But more than that, I think there is a pleasant contentment factor at work that keeps us both coming back for more than is overlooked today.

Snowflake shows up for me and I show up for him and there is a comfort in that. A contentment, dare I say. It is not complacency as there is too much happiness and love wrapped into our nightly interactions. I wish that more people I knew were interested in the bonds that can form through merely consistently being there. I may not give the highs of lust, romantically or first meetings between friends but it is the subtle positive feeling that lasts and that is there day after day. And there is an excitement as I pull up to my apartment on my bike to see Snowflake waiting for me.

In this one example, I see how much my initial efforts at establishing a connection and instilling a loyalty around that connection have paid off. If I was there intermittently he would not wait for me in the evenings. If I was not there almost every night then I would not experience this shining bright light that illuminates the end of my day long after the sun has gone down. I love my cat and I think he loves me and in showing up for him, it generates the candle wax that allows me to burn and be a light for others more than before I had him.

Maybe there is something to this showing up for others then. Maybe it is not ecstasy but the simple joys that yield the lasting, powerful connections in life.... or life lines, really.